Part I
Palm Springs Diary
1998-99
December 16, 1998 Wednesday
Getting Ready for the Journey
I am thrilled to see that preparations are underway for such a major travel the day after tomorrow. I received the tickets yesterday. However, I started worrying about the trip as soon as I woke up. Why this torture of traveling again? If it seems like a torture to us, how much more so should it be to UG? Going to a strange place once every couple of months – although they are old faces, indeed, they all look new to him. The cold is becoming more severe here. It will only get worse each day. It must be much colder there in Palm Springs. God only knows why all this is happening. Apparently, UG told Suguna that we will be in Los Angeles on Saturday. Perhaps Mr. And Mrs. Krishnamurti will leave by then. Meanwhile, we are getting ready.
For a man who has no encumbrances, what a big family UG has! But none of this touches him. He remains as worry-free as someone watching images on a movie screen. My mind, entrenched in the notion that I am my body, writhes with every disturbance. For whom all this anxiety? Although I have been questioning myself like this and trying forcibly to wipe out the notion that I am the body and adopt the idea that I am the Universal Self, I am unable to see my own foolishness. To think that all this doesn’t concern me – how do I even know “that I exist”? Thinking – it’s not as easy as thinking. There is an ocean of difference between the ‘I’ notion and the thinking that “I am such and such, and I am my body.” This belief is pretty deep-rooted. It’s very tricky. It’s easy to talk. Bhagavan asks, as though it’s so easy, “Isn’t it enough to think that ‘I am not this’?” In the flood of thoughts arising wave after wave, how small is this little boat of belief! It will capsize in a moment if the ego raises its head. The struggle starts again. This has been going on for so many years. Still, my confidence in my own abilities does not end.
Even at this moment, what am I thinking about? – I’m thinking about what I should take with me. Any books? Among the books I have, which ones should I take? Any of the books that I have written? Must I ask Moorty and take those that he recommends? – My mind thinks along these lines. It doesn’t remember that this time I am going there as a naked man and not to show myself off. What do I have to show off, in the first place? If UG is creating such an opportunity to be in his presence, it is due to his mercy. As a matter of fact, does he have mercy and compassion? Would a great soul who dispenses to each what he or she deserves think that he should show special compassion to a particular person? Is there any difference for him between a stone image in a temple, a photo image, or the bodily forms moving in his presence? If there is, does it only exist in my imagination? I don’t understand any of this. The only solution is to sit at the feet of UG and give myself up. “I beseech UG for only one thing! I can’t battle you. I can’t please you with my power of poetical creations. Please forgive my helplessness. This is the way I am. Let me be. Give me the ability to lay down my weapons.” Isn’t that the true renunciation? Who cares about my superficial lectures?
* * *
December 17, Thursday
We leave tomorrow. Preparations are underway. Close friends are coming to say goodbye. Indiramma and Shyamalamma will stay here while we are gone.
The medicines to take along cost Rs. 1,000. We have bought clothes and gifts. I have spent Rs. 5,000. … I just called UG. Apparently Aruna will not be coming to the airport. Venkat will be in New York on Saturday. I hear that Raghavendra Rao has high blood pressure and that Aruna is coming to Palm Springs for Christmas. “It’s more important for me to be with you. Aruna is important only after you,” I told UG. “Aha, you’re trying to trick me,” says UG. “I’m telling you the truth,” I replied.
Thoughts about the school are crowding in.
* * *
December 18, Friday: New Moon Day
We are leaving at 4 o’clock in the afternoon for Madras. The Jet Airways flight was postponed till 5:30 pm. Still there was no problem. The airport manager, Sastri, puts us in a nice VIP lounge. The effect of the new moon day has waned thanks to UG’s influence.
Palm Springs
December 20, Sunday – Day 1
What shall I write? How should I start? I woke up at 4:30 am. How do I know where I am unless I tell myself that I am in America? It’s still cold outside, but inside the room the temperature is moderate. I was surprised to see UG coming to the airport yesterday, and so many others coming with him. Julie’s car is big; it’s a Dodge Caravan. It can seat seven people. UG sat next to Julie in the front seat. While Julie was trying to drive out of the parking lot, a young lady tried to overtake her. The woman was frowning and signing to Julie with her hand to let her go first. Julie started to slow down to let her pass, but UG shouted, “Don’t! Teach that bitch a lesson! Don’t give her any room; don’t allow her to overtake you!” Julie moved ahead blocking her way. That competitive lady was screaming, pouring abuses on Julie. Julie retorted, “Don’t lecture us; go your way!” Apparently, UG wanted to teach that arrogant woman a lesson.[1]
We received the hospitality of the Malladis in the Holiday Inn before we went to Palm Springs. They must have gone to Detroit on the 19th. I phoned Aruna and talked to her.
It’s 7 am in the morning now. In the backyard of the house I see a tree with ripe leaves shining in the golden-yellow sunshine. The sun is white. There are mountains all around. We made our first visit to Jenson Bakery. I thought the prices there were pretty steep. UG also came with us. From there we went to see Moorty, Mahesh and Ramesh, who are all staying at the Whitewater Club. Ramesh prepared some nice tea for us, which Mahesh praised. UG started his harangue, declaring that that we had now polluted the atmosphere by drinking tea. “Anything from the North is taboo here!” Earlier, I had breakfast with slices of oat bread with cream cheese and coffee. UG ate oatmeal in his cottage.
* * *
Mahesh put UG on the spot by asking him why he had dragged us here. What was the need for it? UG answered, “I won’t tell you now. Let Moorty come first. Then I’ll tell you.” In a little while Narayana Moorty joined us. “Now you must tell us,” repeated Mahesh. “No special reason. I wanted to see both of you; so I asked you and Chandrasekhar to come. I am not going to India, let alone Bangalore.” (I feel very drowsy writing this. My jet lag must be kicking in.)
In the evening, when UG was talking with Ramanand and others, I lay down for a little while in Moorty’s room. Earlier, in the afternoon, they had driven us around Palm Springs – downtown, two or three malls, and a Pick and Save (it’s very nice). We went to an Indian cuisine restaurant called Delhi Palace. The lady there was thrilled to see Mahesh. (I can’t keep my eyes open. I must stop now.) Ramesh came in his car. Dr. Raj phoned. His website with his internet “Guide” and the site he has built with photos and comments as a supplement to UG’s website are nice.
* * *
Lisa took us to her hotel. She showed us the spa in a hotel where she works. (Sleep is overwhelming me. I’ll stop here.) We had news from Bangalore that our shoes and clothes were stolen in our house. That caused some disturbance in my mind. Yet there is nothing we can do from here. It’s useless to worry about it.
December 21, Monday – Day 2
Woke up early in the morning at 4 am. Julie was already awake. Lisa is in one wing of the house and we and Bob are in the other. In between are the living room and the kitchen. We two (Julie and I) chatted, drinking coffee and reminiscing about past events. She told me her son Justin phoned at 1:00 am last night. He had talked for half an hour, and then she couldn’t go back to sleep. His mind is not stable. She hopes that if he visits UG he will get better. But he doesn’t come. He is 32 years old now. “If you have trust in UG, he will somehow help you,” I told her. That’s what I feel. His curses are all blessings. “My curses work, but not my blessings,” he says. His curses work as blessings.
* * *
Ramanand is a friend of Nataraj. Luna and a couple of others came yesterday at 4:30 pm. We met at the Whitewater Club in the apartment where Mahesh and Moorty are staying. UG’s discourse is Shitopanishad, said Moorty. His “Om tat shit” got further elaborated in my head as follows:
That is shit. This is shit.
From shit comes all this shit.
Shit alone remains.
Om tat shit.
* * *
Can anyone recognize an enlightened man, I asked UG. “Your question is not correct. What is there in an enlightened man (or in the one you consider to be enlightened)? What do you think there is? You must ask that question. Whatever you have known about it is all that presents itself as an answer. That’s what you will experience. There is nothing besides that,” said UG.
* * *
The TV news is filled with Clinton’s impeachment. All the TV broadcasts are about that. UG’s slogan: “Kill Clinton!” “Politics should not be used for personal destruction,” Clinton comments. The American political scene is chaotic. People have a forgiving attitude toward Clinton. But this is a golden opportunity for Clinton’s political enemies to bring him down. They are keen on getting him to resign.
* * *
December 22, Tuesday – Day 3
I woke up after midnight at 1:30 am. I couldn’t get back to sleep. Yesterday, I inserted all the postcards I had bought for all the teachers in envelopes, writing their individual names on each of the cards, and got them ready for mailing. The time now is 3:30 am. It’s silent all over. The central heater system is making a ‘gudu gudu’ noise, and I can also hear the refrigerator sound in the kitchen. Sleep overwhelmed me last night around 9 o’clock. After I went to bed, about half an hour later, I got a phone call from Aruna.
I don’t know who will come on the weekend. Perhaps Mr. And Mrs. Raghavendra Rao will come along with Aruna and Venkat. His high blood pressure caused them some concern. I wonder how he would fare driving such a long distance. Today Paul is driving in his car from San Francisco.
* * *
What all happened yesterday? The weather outside was very cold. In the morning at 8 o’clock, we went over to the Whitewater Club. Everyone gathered there after a little while. In front of the video camera, Mahesh related how the influence of drugs created in him an interest in spirituality, and how Rajneesh exploited that interest, making him his slave with the pretext of saving him. Bob too spoke of UG as he had known him before his Calamity. Everyone left by 11 o’clock. Moorty and I discussed Shamarao’s Kannada book and he suggested some changes.
Scott came in the afternoon in his van. Suguna and I saw the inside of the van. It looked just like a house. It has all the conveniences. In the afternoon, Suguna and Julie made couscous and papads. We ate them with yogurt. Last night before dinner, UG vented his fury: “I don’t want the stench and stink of an ashram here!” – the usual song. He wouldn’t let Julie breathe nor would he let Mahesh drink his coffee. Scott was scared and he went out to eat. Moorty ate some pizza and brought the remainder to our house. We all ate soup and bread. I don’t know what Mahesh ate. Julie was scolded for turning the house into an ashram. UG says everyone must make their own cooking arrangements. He wants all those people around him, yet he doesn’t like them to eat, drink and have fun. He can’t tolerate it. Especially, he doesn’t like everyone gathering around the table and eating like gluttons. ‘Why is Luna here?’ he asks. He pours more abuse on Julie. The only thing he didn’t poke at was Suguna’s cooking. UG is yelling again, saying that tomorrow Guha and Lakshmi will arrive; they will cook for everyone, ransack the whole house and turn it into an ashram. He warns, “I’ll tell them not to come.” He says to Julie, “Julie, I don’t need you any more. I asked you to come for helping the Malladis. Now you can go.”
* * *
“Each day there is danger, yet you live to be a hundred years!”
December 23, Wednesday – Day 4
Today too, I woke up exactly at 1:50 am. I didn’t feel like going back to bed. I finished washing and have been enjoying a cup of orange juice. Time 2:30 am. Last night, quoting O.S. Reddi, UG said, “The right time for everyone to wake up is between 2:00 am and 3:00 am. During that time the hormones in the pineal gland make all other glands function most effectively.”
What happened yesterday? Julie came while I was writing my diary early in the morning. Then Lisa came and read three poems she had written. They’re very nice. Needless to say that she has been influenced by UG. Moorty and Mahesh also liked them. I must copy them to some other page in this diary.
It’s dawn now. UG stormed into the house like a tornado. UG’s room may seem to be adjacent to this house, but it’s actually 50 to 60 feet away. No sooner had he come than he exploded on Julie, “I told you yesterday not to eat here at all. Why did you do it?” he roared at her. I wasn’t there at that moment. We knew that the UG thundercloud has been building over Julie; but we didn’t think that the cracking would happen so soon. UG was in no condition to hear Julie, even when she tried to explain to him that she hadn’t eaten there. “Vacate your room immediately and leave. You can’t stay here. You must not even stay in town,” he said and cast her out. There is no count of how many times this has happened. Julie cried, vacated her room and left. She rented a room in the Ocotillo Lodge.
As soon as Julie vacated her room, UG told Lisa, “Arrange your kitchen stuff as usual in the middle room,” Lisa got pretty shook up and said, pitifully, dreading the task ahead, “Why now, UG? Everything has to be changed. I don’t know where I left my kitchen stuff and cooking range; I need to arrange them all.” “Don’t worry; all these people will help you,” UG insisted. In his world, things have to be done instantly; he doesn’t tolerate any delay. There is no room to think “I’ll do it later.” Lisa got into action reluctantly. We moved her bed frame and beds into our room. She got busy arranging her kitchen.
UG phoned Lakshmi and Guha and told them not to come. UG believes that if she [Lakshmi] comes she will start cooking communal meals; he says you can’t have such things in this house. Moorty argued last night, “Why do you take responsibility for everyone? Why do you arrange things for them? Why should you give them hospitality? They should take care of themselves. ” But UG is reluctant to let that happen.
It would be nice if those who come would recognize his wish and not cause him hardship; it would be nice if they ate and drank somewhere else and then came here. When they come to visit UG, it would be fine if they stayed for an hour or two. Hanging around UG all day long, not caring about the times when people who live here eat their lunches or drink their coffee – this is the tendency of people, not just in this country, but everywhere. That’s why UG gets so irritated. Why don’t these people understand? Don’t they know that UG doesn’t appreciate their hanging around him for hours together? But that’s the effect of UG’s attraction. No matter how long people spend time with him, it’s never enough. Some deliberately stay on for coffee and meals. UG doesn’t like to eat without caring for them. People like Lakshmi and Nartaki feed them, and they get a joy in such feeding. Such are UG’s problems.
That’s why UG started the discussion when Mahesh, Moorty and Ramesh came in this afternoon. It’s amusing to see UG adopting such roundabout methods in discussions like this, while he is so straightforward, clear and to the point about everything else. Whenever he was straying from the point of discussion, Bob tried with all his might to get him back to the issue at hand.
It’s the usual song: “I have given away all I have. I don’t have a red farthing left. Who will give me money?” he moans sadly. Mahesh agreed long ago to pay for a ticket for UG to go around the world once a year and also for all his expenses. When UG says, “What do you have to give me? All your money is in my hands. I get interest of Rs. 100,000 a month, $30,000 a year, on your money. You’ll get that money only after I die.” Mahesh replies innocently, “How long do you intend to live, UG?” That’s right. What more does UG want? He said, “I am not coming to India anymore. If I need to, I may pass through India, but I won’t come to Bangalore and stay in their (our) house. I am going to be far away from everyone.” He is giving us a sign that in the days to come his style of travel is going change in radical ways.
“I am going to tear America apart with my comments. Maybe this government won’t give me a visa. But I’m not worried,” he says. He is going to severely criticize the policies of the government and the deep-rooted status quo in India. “That’s why I am thinking of staying away from them (meaning our family). The troubles the government and police created for Chandrasekhar’s family at the time of Sai Baba’s murder case are more than enough.” That’s true. My body trembles with fear when I think of the incidents that occurred six years ago. “From now on, I am going to criticize individuals, institutions, establishments and the society more severely – none of them will be able to withstand my attack. But I don’t like anyone to be inconvenienced by my talking,” says UG.
All right, what does he want? What should we do? “UG, what do you really want? What do you want us to do?” I put him on the spot. “I don’t need anything,” he says. Then why have these meetings and discussions? What do you want to do? No one is stopping you. Mahesh says, “You are saved because you don’t have an institution or an ashram. Or else, governments would have strangled your throat long ago. So, no matter how much you criticize or scold as an individual, it’s like rain falling on a buffalo; the world leaders who are entrenched in world establishments don’t care.” That’s true. That’s why from the beginning UG has been taking care that no ashram-like atmosphere, with its “stink and stench”, forms around him. No matter what corner of the world he is in, his manner is the same. This individual called UG has no need to protect himself. He has no shields, armor or cloak. That’s why his situation is so vulnerable, a totally insecure state where there is no security or protection.
I feel that perhaps governments of the world tolerate UG for the same reason. Maybe they think: “He is a crazy guy. He blurts out whatever he pleases. Why bother about him? Why drop an atom bomb on a sparrow?” That’s why there doesn’t seem to be any scope for people at large reading about UG and being influenced by his devastating ideas and rebelling. Only a few people gather around him. Besides, UG doesn’t have assemblies, platforms or public speeches. That’s why, although he talks about overthrowing governments, those governments consider his talk as childish and do not concern themselves with it. Not many people know that this chatterbox is not an ordinary person but is capable of creating chaos without directly involving himself.
* * *
While I was writing this, I lay on my back on the carpet in the hall for a little while. My head felt heavy. I stretched my arms and legs on the floor and lay as if in Savasana. Suddenly I remembered UG’s words from yesterday. He turned to me and said, “Not many days are left between you and me. What will you do with all those tapes, photos and newspaper clippings? Do something with them. Whatever you want to do with them, do it soon.” For a moment I was speechless. “I am ready to let everything go. But my problem is who will do the job? There is no point in just freely distributing them to everyone.” “Whatever taped interviews you want to preserve, you preserve them in some form. You keep the stuff you have written and things which belong to you for yourself. Why do you keep the things made by others?” he asks. I don’t have any intention of keeping them with myself or earning fame or money through them. Something good must come out of them. Everyone must know about them. There is nothing better than the Internet. Bob says I should digitize the video tapes and put them on CD’s. But that’s a huge task which involves a lot of expense. I am unable to do that. I have debts up to my brim; how much expense can I bear?
* * *
The meeting closed without any conclusion. There will be a discussion again today. Moorty will format my journal into book form on the computer and make a floppy for me. With that the publishing job will become easier. The Kannada book also must be published. Moorty gave some suggestions. “Proofreading is very important in desktop publishing. You must proofread the manuscript at least six times,” he said.
* * *
The great job Raj has undertaken cannot be completed in a day; it may take a year to get it into some shape. Luna liked his “Essential UG” website very much. Moorty says that the layout must be changed. He says it’s more appropriate to have one or two quotes under each photo. If we add a brief introduction and some highlights of UG’s life to those pictures, the web page will look very nice. We need some material for that purpose. If we put together highlights of UG’s life with the photos then it becomes another biography. Appropriately so. “We can extract photos from the video tapes,” says Bob. You need computer literacy for all this. One must know those tricks. Raj is that sort of a man. It would be nice if he could come here. I must talk to Bob and ask him to invite him here. Or I must meet him in India. Raj is coming back to the US in February. Bob is leaving for Bombay on January 5. He is trying to get his book into shape. UG asks him to get Moorty’s help. Bob doesn’t like that. Moorty is a strict man. If you want to work with him, you must mostly adjust to his likes and dislikes. Things won’t get accomplished otherwise. Bob doesn’t like to lose his power. He doesn’t agree with Moorty’s opinions. I think that’s why his book has remained unfinished.
I must discuss with UG all the following things:
1) How to bring Bob’s book, his memoirs, into some shape.
2) How to make the project Raj has undertaken more attractive and aesthetic.
3) What should I do with all the stuff that is with me? Is it possible to make some kind of documentary with them?
4) What’s the way to bring my journal, Stopped in our Tracks into a book? When should we publish the Telugu original?
5) Should we publish books at all from now on?
I am trying to figure out what would be my answers if I ask myself these questions. Even though he appears to think with us, UG knows that what is supposed to happen has already been determined. No one can stop it.
The statements Bhagavan had written to his mother come to mind: “Whatever is destined to happen will certainly happen, no matter how much we fight against it; whatever is destined not to happen, will not happen, no matter how much we try otherwise. So, it’s best to sit quietly.”
How true, this teaching! I must listen to it when UG explains it more in detail. As UG says, my days are nearing. I don’t have much time. Should I waste my life running around for the few days I have left on this earth trying to do this and that, or should I sit quietly in a corner and witness everything passively?
As long as I am involved, I must be entangled in the experience of pleasure and pain. As long as I have the notion that I am doing things, I must have anxiety in my mind. Unless I realize that “When the notions of ‘I’ and ‘mine’ end, I wouldn’t have any concern about what happens,” my game won’t be checkmated.
* * *
Yesterday we went in Lisa’s car to many supermarkets, in Palm Springs, Rancho Mirage and Palm Desert. We also went into many shops on Highway 111. Suguna bought a leather handbag, the ‘world’s smallest umbrella’ and a clock. UG paid for them. I bought many more picture postcards at the post office. I must write notes on them. Last night we went around the town once again in a car. They have decorated the houses and trees with varieties of lights (for the Christmas holidays). The whole town is decorated with lights. I was falling asleep in the car. UG was also sleeping. Lisa was so surprised to see UG giving up his front seat to Suguna. Lisa says, “She must be really somebody, some special person.” UG generally never gives up his seat by the driver’s side to anyone. Suguna is an exception.
* * *
Aruna and Venkat are coming by car either Thursday evening or Friday afternoon. Her in-laws will remain home. They are doing OK. I asked Aruna to get me a glucometer so I can test my blood sugar level. Palm Springs is a big town. Yesterday afternoon, I, Suguna and UG went to the Albertsons supermarket by walk. There is a small post office outlet there; and also a Jensen’s supermarket.
It didn’t feel very cold yesterday, but the day before it was very cold. Yesterday, it was so pleasant to walk in the sun at 11:00 in the morning. When I asked him about David Barry, Scott invited us to go to Ojai.
* * *
Ramesh Ganerwal left yesterday. He is going to India in January. I invited him to come to Bangalore, if it is convenient for him, and gave him my address. He has a house in a forest near Sacramento. He lives there alone like a natural man, without a worry. He has no itch to save the world. He is not anxious to interact with other people. He lives fearlessly, away from civilization, in the lap of Mother Nature, with minimal conveniences he has created for himself. As I observe his life, he appears to have been some kind of a sage in his previous life. Otherwise, it is rare to have such qualities living in this country.
* * *
I was thinking the other night that I don’t have a single photograph of myself with UG. Last night Simon took a picture of me and UG together. Let’s see how it will turn out. A German ‘sannyasi’ called Vibodha has been coming every day. These have all been Rajnishi sannyasis, the poor folks that have of late been caught in the net of UG’s attraction.
Something funny happened yesterday: as soon as I said in front of everyone, “I have a problem”, UG answered repeatedly, “You cannot have any problem. I assure you, you have no problem.” I didn’t understand why he said that. I then explained to everyone what my problem was. What should I do with all those things about UG and with UG that I have collected? I must find a way of putting them to use. Whether they are with me or with someone else, the effect is the same. But what should I do with them? Why, for what purpose have I collected them? So that they may be useful for everyone? How will they be of use? Is it to make people realize that they cannot be helped in any way?
* * *
December 24, Thursday – Day 5
“How do I feel here?” I am asking myself. The answer is, I feel very well. I got up early in the morning at 3 am, washed and showered, put cream on my body, drank a cup of orange juice and sat down to write. Both inside and outside I felt peaceful.
I reduced the heat in the house a little last night. When Scott came in the other day, he complained, “It’s very hot inside here; it’s really hot.” (When you come in from the outside cold, that’s of course how it feels.) He stopped when UG said, “We feel fine, no one here is complaining about heat.” Still, every now and then Scott puts his head out the door “for some fresh air”. UG maintains that “this is the only way to drive them out.” “If you can’t stand the heat in the room, just go,” – that’s the path UG shows you. If you pray to him, “I’ve lost my bearings, UG, please show me the way, I’ll be so grateful,” UG shows only one way – the door! Or, you might not even get that. Then, there will be no way out!
* * *
Lisa didn’t have many massage sessions yesterday. She stayed home till 11 am. Mahesh and Moorty came. After them, the Germans and Bob and Paul came. Paul has been sitting in the chair and dozing off. Obviously he is tired. At least today I must find time to talk to him.
Lisa is surprised to see me talking to Aruna for a whole hour on the phone, and Suguna and Aruna talking for hours together. “I don’t know how to talk to my mother like that,” she remarked. “It’s amazing how they are talking so nicely to each other, as if they are close friends,” she said admiring them. Aruna may come tomorrow with Venkat. UG had the second bed from my room moved into his room. When Lynn comes on the 26th, Moorty will stay in UG’s room just for that night. If Aruna and Venkat stay for 26th and 27th, then he will have to spend two nights there. I and Lisa moved the bed into UG’s room. After January, Lisa must either leave this house or share it with a partner.
I said, “UG, you keep this room. Don’t let it go. It would be nice if the rent for it could be arranged whether you are here or not.” The trouble is who would pay the rent for it? Lynn can. But would UG like that?
Narayana Moorty has been declaring his independence recently. “I will take care of my own room and board myself. No one needs to feed me,” he said and hasn’t been eating here or even touching the coffee here.
Lisa doesn’t want to vacate this house. Nor does she want to take in another person to share the rent. UG asked her, “What will you do alone in such a big house?” Lisa said, “I’ll convert one room into a massage room, another will be my office, and I’ll sleep in the third one.” “That’s O.K., if you want to do your massages here also, then the whole house will be put to use,” agreed UG.
* * *
This morning, Moorty has been talking about my journal. Will it be possible to print it through DTP (desktop publishing) if we put it into the Word Perfect format? Or should we publish it through offset printing by saving it as a text file? This is the problem. I asked him to prepare both versions. “I am going through all this trouble trusting that you will surely publish it. Or else, all this effort will be a waste,” warned Moorty. “I don’t have that much money, but I must get it printed even if I have to borrow money,” I replied. Moorty didn’t respond. I raised this question with UG that afternoon. “It’s a waste to invest so much money on the book. Just drop it,” he said. My heart sank. The cost estimate is Rs. 50,000. What will be the Economic Batch Quantity (EBQ)? “How much would it cost if it were published through DTP? What would it cost if we print 250 copies? What would it cost using offset printing? I must find out Shamarao says that for his Kannada book of 100 pages it will cost Rs. 10,000 to print a thousand copies.
* * *
Afternoon 2 o’clock exactly. Simon and Trisha came in his car. UG had arranged for this before. He is going to take us to a place called the ‘Hundred Shops’. The four of us left with UG. On the way, at the base of the foothills, there were hundreds of windmills, but their propellers weren’t moving. When the wind is stronger they start moving and produce electricity. On the way, on Highway 111, UG took us to the Hadley Dates and Nuts Shop. This is the most famous dates shop in this area; here you can find dates grown in the desert. It’s a big shop. UG bought us a date-banana drink which was made like ice cream. It cost nine dollars for three glasses. I didn’t like it much. The shop is filled with dates, almonds, cashew nuts and other kinds of dried fruits and nuts. Almonds are the cheapest item among desert-grown foods. The tag says it’s $3.30 per half a kg. You could have bought a whole kg for that price ten years ago. We drove on further. After going for some distance on Highway 10, we saw a shopping complex which looked like a big town. This is what is called the ‘Hundred Shops’. There are outlets here for all the most famous companies in the world. Their opulence is dazzling. Your heart quivers when you look at the prices of things in the shops. Who can buy such expensive things? Can those who have come from India buy such luxury goods even if they are rich? I think it would be impossible. Any item you touch costs thousands and hundreds of thousands of rupees, if you translate the price into rupees. You have the famous clothing store called Barney’s. In it, UG bought a 100% cashmere sweater for Suguna. It looks very nice. It cost $130. That means its Rs. 5,800. I felt like, “My God!” when I thought of the price in rupees.
“You shouldn’t do that,” says UG. “It’s the same with everything. That reference point is ‘you’. You can’t do anything without that reference point. That’s why I say there is no such thing as your own experience. If you want to experience anything, you must first have the knowledge about it. You can’t experience the present except on the basis of that knowledge. That means the past is transformed into the present. In the same way, the past is also reflected in the future. There is nothing else except the past,” says UG
* * *
We finished shopping and returned at 4 o’clock. Mahesh, Moorty and others were already there. UG asked Bob to show us the video album he had put together. It was18 minutes long; it shows many photos one after another while UG is heard talking in the background. UG’s words did not match the pictures, but the pictures in the video were very good. I think it’s important to weave a theme around the pictures; otherwise, you can’t make heads or tails out of them. Later, I offered to show the “Natural Man” video that I made. Bob first tried to prevent it; he seemed a little agitated. Why? Maybe Moorty wouldn’t like it. But why can’t everyone else see it? If they don’t like it, they could give suggestions as to how to improve it. We watched it for an hour and a half. In the middle of the showing, Mahesh and Moorty got ready to leave. All the while he was there, Moorty looked indifferent. Everyone listened to my commentary and laughed. That was OK. But I wanted to ask them one thing. If you are eager to show UG to the world even a little bit, you can’t but sympathize with the struggle and torture I went through in making this video. It’s easy to brush it off saying “This is all useless.” Is it a big problem that I put Indian music in the background? The tape is evidently too long. I don’t deny it. I must shorten it. It also needs some technical improvement. They can tell me about those things and suggest ways to improve it, but it’s not fair to brush off the whole effort. That’s the question I want to ask them. My original tape has not been returned to me yet. What Bob has given me now is an NTSC copy of that tape.
* * *
December 25, Friday – Christmas – Day 6
I woke up early in the morning at 4:15 am. When I was soaping my body in the shower, I was humming Aditya Hridayam as usual. After washing, I was sitting at the dining table by 5 o’clock, drinking a glass of orange juice. But what am I? Even though I have come here and am so close to UG, why is there no change in me? The delusion that I am my body has only been getting stronger and not going away. Is there such a thing as destiny? I want to ask UG about the message Bhagawan wrote to his mother. But did Bhagavan practice it in his life? Annamalai Swami made it clear in his book that he perhaps used “Whatever is to happen must happen,” as the ultimate weapon, but that he tried at every step to make sure that whatever he wanted to happen did happen. Then what’s the point in asking people not to do anything? Must we think that the actions of those realized people are different and that their teachings and actions could be contradictory to each other? Isn’t that clear when we observe UG’s actions? If we try to measure their actions using their own standards, they will turn around and knock our teeth out. Do those standards apply just to us, then? I feel that these standards are tricks that are used as brakes to stop our minds from time to time; I feel that it’s foolish to think that beyond that these teachings would serve as beacons shedding light on our lives. Then what’s the use of all these teachings, books and tapes? Think. You will find out yourself.
* * *
Yesterday morning I taught Lisa mudras, pranayama and ‘Salutations to the Sun’. She works as a masseuse. Mudras and pranayama can be useful in generating more energy in oneself. She has learned ‘Salutations to the Sun’ to practice in place of her daily exercises.
* * *
Five years ago, UG came to this area trying to find a house in Idyllwild. The town is 30 miles away among the forests on the mountains. It snows there in the winter. Today, they took us up there around 10 o’clock in Paul’s car to show us the snow and the town. It took us 1½ hours to get up there. UG picked up some snow and gave it Suguna. This is the first time in our lives for us to step in snow and to make snowballs in our hands and throw them. Mechanically, as though we were completing a ritual, we checked out an old house for a couple of minutes, bought some picture postcards and got back into the car. There is a thick forest in this whole area. Evergreen trees and thickly snow-packed rooftops. I was wondering if those were casuarina trees; perhaps they are pine trees. They call them Christmas trees. Paul doesn’t know. Poor man, he was very tired after driving the car for three hours. After coming home, we ate the broccoli-couscous Lisa had cooked and went over to the White Water Club where Mahesh and Moorty are staying. But we came back in 15 minutes. Then, until 4:15 pm when UG opened his door to come inside here, I have been napping a little and sitting reading the newspaper.
* * *
In the evening everyone came. Tonight is Christmas night. UG says it’s a very important day. In 1974, exactly on this day, we two, after we were married, went to Jnanashram upon UG’s orders. It was again the day before Christmas [in the year 1969] that I had met UG for the first time. On the same day every year, the battery that is running low gets recharged.
Michael, a diamond merchant who lives in San Francisco, came last night. He came just to spend time with UG. He ate with us. He sat in front of UG with closed eyes. Apparently he is a friend of Jack Masson. He knows UG through him. We were informed that he is an expert in recognizing true diamonds, just like the gold merchant Krishnachari in Bangalore. Or else, why would he come this far to see UG?
We’ve been waiting for the arrival of Guha, Lakshmi, Shilpa and Sumedha. Just as UG was saying “it would be nice if they came,” Shilpa opened the door and came running and hugged UG shouting, “UG!” She dropped herself in UG’s lap. What a captivating scene! Those children just love him so much, especially Sumedha. Guha came in laughing boisterously and sat down near UG’s feet. He said, “They upgraded our tickets to first class, thanks to your grace.” Lakshmi looked thin and small. I thought the children resembled her more [than they did their father]. Sumedha is especially cute.
The whole atmosphere changed as soon as they came in. Till then our crowd had been carrying on conversation with UG using obscenities. Apparently Larry Morris asked UG to give two sermons in his church. UG chose the topics “The Art of Adultery” and “Halleluiah Prostitution!” A case study for the first sermon is the Clinton-Monica love scandal; for the second it’s Kennedy and some other man’s scandals. Then UG was elaborating on sex in Hinduism. The Shiva Lingam signifies the sex act. You worship just the organ without the rest of the form of Shiva. People who follow such a religion have lost their right to speak against sex and sexual desires. UG uses the “f-word” pretty freely in his speech.
He mocks Aruna, saying that by marrying she lost her independence and became a slave in her in-laws’ home. “You’re of no use unless you leave that husband of yours,” he says. He blasts her saying that she does not assert her rights but, instead, is suppressing her own individuality.
They should be coming in today. “Why couldn’t they leave at 4 in the morning? Why wait till 6 o’clock?” he is asking. I didn’t feel like phoning Aruna asking her to leave at 4 o’clock. What’s the loss in just a couple of hours? But we’ll see. I talked to Aruna yesterday morning. Apparently, she could find directions to come here on the Internet. She said that with some software you could find directions to go to any remote place in the US. David says, “If you want, you can see a photo of this house taken from a satellite.” He is married to Maria, sister of Nataraj, an astrologer. They all were once Rajneesh’s devotees; David had been a close disciple of Rajneesh. Later, at 9 pm, Nataraj and his friend Mitra came. Nataraj showed me the Jupiter-Moon conjunction in the sky. He predicted that “by the end of this month a lot of money will rain in UG’s lap.” Guha placed $2,000 in UG’s hands. Before that Moorty had given $50. All that money UG then gave to Guha’s children. He is so fond of them. Earlier, he had given them each $50,000. Apparently, they invested the money in Resurgent India Bonds. In seven years the money will grow to $100,000 each. UG says it will come in handy for their education. “Where do gods live, UG?” asked Sumedha. “They live in the toilet,” UG replied. The girl pinched her nose shut and ran out. We all laughed. She had really been asking about Christmas angels.
* * *
Julie came into the house. UG let her come in. She had driven to the airport to bring Guha’s family here. Yesterday morning we went to the Ocotillo Lodge and checked out the room where Lakshmi and her family are going to stay. UG is never satisfied unless he checks out for himself to see what it’s like.
* * *
December 26, Saturday – Day 7
I woke up at 4:30 in the morning today. That means my body is getting back into its normal rhythm. It will be nice if I wake up from tomorrow at the same time every day. Yesterday was Christmas.
After 8 o’clock we all went to the White Water Club. We all met there. Julie gave me the printout she had gotten made from the floppy that Moorty had given me. It’s a 230-page book. UG took it in his hands and read out pieces from it. “Valentine’s house wasn’t her father’s; she had bought it. The money she got from selling it then came to you,” he said. Since her money went to buy the Bangalore house, it remained in the form of a house. ‘Hridaya Vihar’ is Valentine’s house. It just moved from Geneva to Bangalore, that’s all.
* * *
Aruna and Venkat Arrive
Many people have assembled. Larry, Susan, Claire, the German group, Michael, Luna, Moorty, Mahesh, Bob, Paul, Guha and his family – if I count all of them, the number will exceed 25. Michael has a Lincoln car. UG thought of going for a ride in that car in the afternoon. But everyone waited for Aruna and Venkat to arrive at 4 o’clock. Aruna just dropped in Suguna’s lap crying. There were tears in Suguna’s eyes. Mother and daughter have met after six months. Aruna hugged me and cried, crazy girl! She has become thinner. The couple ate as soon as they came. UG gave Aruna a silk slip. Venkat knew Guha and his family, and also Bob and others. He is less shy this time.
Julie showed a video tape, for awhile, of Mahesh and Bob talking. I didn’t feel very cold yesterday. The house was still warm even after we kept the doors open. It wasn’t so cold outside either. Lakshmi and Suguna cooked together – couscous, dahl and yogurt. Venkat bought wrist watches for Suguna and me. The gifts are very nice. UG expressed his theory that “Youngsters shouldn’t give gifts to the elders. They must only receive them.” UG sat here with Lisa even after everyone had left last night.
* * *
Many people have given money to UG for Christmas. Michael gave three thousand; Guha two thousand. Thousands upon thousands like this. I must see if Nataraj’s prediction is going to come true. Yesterday Guha told his whole story. He is always in joy about having met UG
I am noticing how Lisa loves the children. She watches Shilpa and Sumedha and plays with them. And they love Lisa.
December 27, Sunday – Day 8
I woke up at 3:45 am. Last night, after 8 pm, I couldn’t keep myself awake. I spent most of yesterday with Aruna and Venkat. Venkat and I went to Walmart in his Toyota Corolla car. We got the engine gear-box oil changed and went around in the store for an hour. By the time we returned home, we learned that UG had come and gone to the Ocotillo Lodge. The rest of them had all gotten together at the White Water Club in the morning for a couple of hours. Apparently, UG had said, referring to us, “Let them spend the day with their daughter and son-in-law.”
All four of us ate lunch together in the afternoon. Suguna made rice and dahl. Before lunch the four of us went downtown in the car. After lunch UG came with us to the White Water Club; we said hello to Mahesh and Moorty there and returned at 4 o’clock. Mahesh is alone in that suite. “Please let me go back to India,” he begs. “You can go. If you want, I’ll take you at this moment to Los Angeles and put you on the plane. But you must give me $3,000,” replies UG. “I’m a poor Indian and you are a rich American. Where can I get $3,000? My government doesn’t let me take so much money out of the country,” Mahesh complains. His movie, Zekhm, has been released not only in India but in several other countries. Apparently they banned it in Mauritius. Mahesh looked disturbed. “Give me a trick to use this ban to my advantage, UG,” he requested. “What can you do? By banning the movie they are now giving the movie the publicity it needs. On your part, you should never quit the policy of producing popular movies. Don’t get involved in politics,” said UG in reply.
Of late, Mahesh hasn’t been reading books or watching TV. “I don’t talk to UG either. I keep silent. Moorty too doesn’t talk much. He minds his own business. He cooks very well,” Mahesh told me. UG assigned Moorty the responsibility of feeding Mahesh.
* * *
Mystical Experiences
UG came and took his seat around 7 o’clock yesterday morning. I finished my breakfast at 7:30. Suddenly he started, “I now realize that Sri Ramakrishna and Ramana Maharshi all stopped with some mystical experience. I had such an experience when I was only a 35-year-old. On its strength I could have started big institutions and dished out that experience to everyone. There is nothing in it. It’s very difficult to brush aside experience. Many people stop there,” he said.
“Is it in their capacity to go beyond it?”
“There is nothing in their power. Luckily I got out of it. There is nothing you can do to make it happen.”
“Human effort works up to the point of having a mystical experience. After that, whatever must happen will happen. Ramana Maharshi too said in his message to his mother, ‘Whatever is destined to happen will happen, no matter how much anyone tries to stop it. Whatever is destined not to happen, will not happen, no matter how much anyone tries with all their might,’” I said.
“What’s there to happen in the first place?” is UG’s counter question. Then did nothing happen to UG? That’s strange. The questions UG asks, “What happened? Has anything happened?” – how deep and profound they are!
“These enlightened people, these gurus, based themselves on some useless experience, deceived themselves and misled others,” said UG. “Those who have freed themselves from mystical experience don’t preach morals. They won’t read from books and repeat the sutras written in them. It doesn’t mean that they will act contrary to morality and preach and incite harm and treachery. They don’t do that either,” he said again.
The Body will Take Care of Itself
Last night, UG was talking about his travel travails. Shilpa complained from behind him: “You have already told us about all these in Switzerland – the thing that happened to you when you were there in London Immigration with Valentine and Parveen.” Sumedha sat at UG’s side and was trying to grab his feet. Saying “What are you doing?” he withdrew his feet. “I was trying to look at the cracks in your soles,” she replied. “My feet are dirty, don’t touch them,” he forbade her. A couple of nights ago, Guha tried hard to apply some cream to UG’s feet. “I don’t need any of those things. The cracks will heal by themselves. You are all anxious people worrying about the body. If you don’t interfere with it, it will take care of itself,” said UG. Ramana Maharshi said the same thing about the sore on his arm. The doctors didn’t listen to him; instead they tried to cut it out, thereby turning it into a huge cancer.
“God is in the Vagina” – Sri Ramakrishna
The other day, Guha was reading the Bengali original of Sri Ramakrishna Bodhamrtam, translating it into English for us. “I will remove all my clothes and dance before the women; what do you care about it?” Sri Ramakrishna had scolded one of his disciples. Guha continued, “God is in the vagina. God lets me see him in the copulation of two dogs.” Ramakrishna had used much more obscene and vulgar language [than this] in his conversations. But Nikhilananda, in translating, had corrected all that, changing it so that people would be presented with the image of a holy man to hold in their minds.
* * *
Last night, UG made me call Major on the phone. “You must come here. If you don’t, I won’t come there,” said UG “Not right now,” replied Major. “He will definitely come at another time,” said UG looking at us. We all said hello to Major. Apparently, the other day he had invited Venkata Chalapati and served him Upma.
* * *
UG said he will buy swimsuits for Shilpa and Sumedha. There is a nice pool in the Ocotillo Lodge. The children want to swim in it. Last night, the whole UG gang went out to hunt for swimsuits. Seven of us went in Julie’s van (Chevrolet) and UG, Venkat, Aruna, Shilpa and Sumedha went in Michael’s Lincoln car. We couldn’t find swimsuits in any of the shops. But the light decorations in downtown Palm Springs were very nice to see. UG went around patiently through all the supermarkets. At last, we returned home at 8 o’clock and ate our dinner. UG did the cooking himself with potato buds. We ate to our heart’s content. We also finished all the leftovers from the morning. Venkat was happy playing with Shilpa and Sumedha. He is less shy than he was when he first arrived here. He listens to everything UG says – tidbits about his childhood, quarrels with his grandfather, the requirements he set for his marriage – it would be nice if someone wrote a book with the title The Marriage of UG. It would be a nice storybook in Telugu. The Sports of Life — Rajasekhar gave a nice title to his book. Only the book is too detailed. What you can write concisely he stretches into pages and pages – it gets to be too boring to read.
* * *
Strange Business Transactions
December 28, Monday – Day 9
I woke up at 3:15 am in the morning. I started writing at 4:30 am. It has been getting slowly warmer in the last couple of days. I even have removed the sweater I put on when we went to Palm Desert for shopping last evening. How many shops we roamed through! Finally, in a sports shop near Target we found the swimsuits the children needed. UG came in this morning, bringing Paul Lynn with him. It’s almost five years ago since I met Paul. He came with his family to Yercaud in 1991-92. He is writing a book called Male Menopause. He has found this house and been paying the rent on it so that UG can stay here. Larry bought all the furniture in this house with his church money. To transfer all that furniture to Paul, Larry had to pay UG $1,000! Now Paul Lynn has again to pay UG and close the furniture account! These are all very strange business transactions. They all shell out dollars into his hands without uttering a word of complaint. He took $200 from Julie last evening; that’s twice the amount he had spent on the children’s swimsuits. And apparently, she had already given him that money that he had spent. On top of it, as soon as she opened her purse and gave him the amount he demanded, he complains that she had shortchanged him. Sumedha ran to UG as soon he called her. UG pressed all those bills into her hand. She wanted to give all that money back to Julie. But Julie did not take it. Sumedha turned it all over to her mother. That’s the way!
* * *
The Guhas
Lakshmi is a nice woman. She is an unassuming lady. She had helped Guha come to the US while working there. “Now, we have fewer relationships with our relatives and others. UG is the only one we have. We only do what he says,” says Lakshmi. Because UG forbade it, Guha didn’t even go to India to attend his brother’s wedding. “I found UG, what else do I want? The captain of the helm of my life’s boat is UG,” he says.
You don’t even need to mention the kids. They love UG dearly. If the parents start scolding them, they threaten that they will tell UG. When Lakshmi and Guha were planning to go to India, they had said adamantly, “UG said we are Americans and he told us not to go to India. So we’re not going.” The parents cancelled the trip. These are the only two kids I have seen that take so much liberty with UG and love him so much. Apparently, while he is visiting in Guha’s house, when there are no other visitors, these two kids play with UG by combing his hair and braiding it. If there are signs of anyone coming, UG would pretend as if he is going to hit them and say, “Hey, what are you doing? Get away from me.” If there is no one else, they have UG all for themselves. UG likes to join them and play with them. They are happy speaking with him in English and playing in his lap. No other kids have come so close to him. They have a fancy for watching the video tape of Archana playing with Valentine when she was little. Perhaps they would like to play like that with UG. When there is a crowd they don’t come near him. The other day, when UG was alone, Sumedha was wrestling with him. Of the two, Shilpa looks like the more affectionate type. She wants to be with people and wants their loving attention and favor.
Venkat left yesterday. So the kids got hold of Aruna. “You’re here; that’s so neat!” Shilpa says and drops in her lap and hugs her. They two look like Aruna and Archana when they were younger. UG used to deliberately tease Aruna and Archana. That’s why they were with Valentine more.
* * *
Last night, Mahesh and Moorty also ate here. They brought over here the stuff they had made there. UG says, “Moorty is a great editor, but I don’t like his cooking at all.” Mahesh and Larry both appreciate Moorty’s cooking. UG says, “You like it because you don’t know what Telugu cooking is like. I don’t like it.” He degrades Moorty’s cooking right in front of him saying he doesn’t even know how to cook. Moorty smiles broadly and minds his own business or goes out to do his shopping. The coottu-like dish he has made today was very tasty. Suguna said, “You cooked it with rajma and other grains. It looks like it has a little garlic in it.” Still it was good. Suguna made something like a soup with the leftover dahl from the morning and the foods remaining from yesterday and the day before. Everyone ate well last night.
Yesterday, Venkat and I went to Lucky’s for food supplies and got whatever we needed. In the afternoon, Suguna made couscous, rice and dahl. Venkat ate his lunch and left at 1:30 pm in his car. Aruna will stay here till the 31st and return by air. Apparently you need an ID card even for e-booking. She didn’t bring her passport, so Venkat will send it tomorrow by courier. UG arranged it so we could spend the whole day with both of them. He told us, “Don’t come to the meetings. Spend some time with your daughter and son-in-law.” He came in the evenings with everyone. Venkat stayed here for two nights. “Come as soon as you can, Uncle,” he invited us before he left. UG too said goodbye to him on the phone. Overall, it seems like UG has charmed Venkat. Aruna looks happy. It’s a great vacation for her to come here and spend a few days merrily with everyone. “Coming here and spending a few days here makes her feel like she is visiting her parents’ place,” says Suguna. There are many relatives of UG in this country; and our relatives too. But Aruna is not close to any of them; perhaps a little with Kamesh. But Kamesh doesn’t seem to care very much about her. Everyone else lives in their own world.
Last night, Kittu and Sri Valli spoke with UG on the phone. Sri Valli asked for an autographed photo of Mahesh. Even though she knew we are here, she didn’t say hello; maybe she was waiting for us to talk to her; I don’t know. I have been trying to talk to Kumar, but it hasn’t worked out yet. Our friendship with Guha and Lakshmi is very pleasant. Suguna too feels the same way.
“He is my Enemy No.1”
“UG, let the cat out of the bag,” said Mahesh last night. He can’t figure out why UG fussed so much calling him here. Before we left India, we both felt that there must be a strong reason for it. Although it has been nine days since we have arrived, UG has not broached the ‘real’ reason yet. What could it be? That day in the White Water Club he had said casually, “I am not coming to India. The Bangalore chapter is closed. Sometime, when I go that way and have to pass through India, then maybe I will stay for a few days; but you must pay for my ticket. How about my travel expenses?” That’s the way he has been talking.
He asked me to get rid of the photos and tapes. I don’t care now if I have them or not. Does getting rid of them mean that I should pass them out to everyone? Or does it mean that I should donate them to some library? Who will take them? Sometimes he speaks as though we must preserve them. If we have to preserve them, we must transfer them to CD’s. That’s very expensive. How can I afford it? Who will teach me how to do it? If there is some sort of central archive, I could give them to them.
Last night, when Mahesh repeated his question, UG said, “There is no cat, no bag. You can go back.” Then Mahesh replies, “You could have told me that over the phone. You didn’t have to get me to come this far.” UG said, referring to me, “My photos and tapes are more important to Babu. He may let me go, but he won’t let them go. He doesn’t realize that he will lose me.” I cringed.
Can I bear to lose UG? What good is it to live after that? But if I look into myself, I feel that I can’t bear being close to UG for any length of time. My past impressions and my ego rebel every now and then. The ego doesn’t go down no matter how much it is hammered. The pride that I have known him for 30 years, the pride that I am the first of his long-standing acquaintances, is turning me into my own enemy. It made UG say, “He is my enemy No. 1.”
If he says I am his enemy, his ‘Public Enemy’, what does it mean? I have always striven to preserve memories of UG for a long time and to make those memories accessible to people, joining them and rejoicing with them when they appreciate the result—that’s all I care about. This shows not a simple UG, UG who has no fanfare, that UG who is in the world of Shilpa and Sumedha.
Do I have a hold over that UG? UG is a form which changes from moment to moment. I am trying to fit UG forcibly into a presentation of photos and tapes. Is that possible? The real UG is not the UG I know. Whatever I know, whatever I understand, that’s not UG. How can this truth sink into my consciousness? My
consciousness only writhes in pain when UG says nasty things about me, but do I ever consider what I am doing to UG? When I get away from the real essence and get caught in a network of delusions, how could I be saved if I get intoxicated with the idea that “this is the real UG?” Suppose I ask him, “So, what do you want me to do?” would he answer? Would he give me some suggestions? UG has been telling me what to do; not suggesting, but clearly ordering me. Still, I can’t grasp it. I still need to tune myself. My ego’s agitation must subside. Unless the noise of ‘this fellow’ subsides, I can’t hear UG’s voice. UG’s message is all mixed in with my agitation. “Mahesh, we are not listening; UG has been telling us something!”
* * *
While I was drinking my coffee I felt like going into UG’s room. I felt like telling him what I have understood: “I am constantly preoccupied with myself. Perhaps that’s why I am not able to listen to what you have been saying. This occurred to me just now.” It’s foolish to expect that UG will tell you something, will direct you or order you. He has been telling what he needed to. It’s my foolishness if I don’t listen. Maybe that’s why Jesus had said, “Let them who have ears listen.” I opened the door and walked on the cold ground toward UG’s room. Only the night light was on. I didn’t have the guts to knock on the door. I turned around.
* * *
“You must all be reduced to the level of animals”
“You must all be reduced to the level of animals. Until then you won’t understand what I say,” said UG yesterday suddenly. When all our acquired culture and civilization are burned into ashes, when we remain as just us, who are nothing, who don’t belong to anything, and who don’t think or experience anything – the pure us – then we will understand UG’s message. Without that, there is no use in listening to a lot or saying much. “Whether you agree or not, your body lives by itself as an animal. Only you have problems. The body doesn’t have any problems. It has no worries,” said UG
UG is a living example of someone who lives in this world without a worry, like a drop of water on a lotus leaf, living among all these people, yet uninvolved. We give a shape to that form and look it as UG. We dress it up; we take it around in cars; and we feed it chocolates. We think we are talking to it. We pick up quarrels with it. We assume that the sounds we hear from it are words and we try to understand the words. We care. We cry thinking it is scolding us. We are puffed up thinking it is praising us. Very cleverly we whisper, pointing out that there is nothing saying anything, and that whatever is there and whatever we think we know is all a delusion. UG watches all this and keeps laughing to his heart’s content and spiting us.
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Karma Cards
December 29, Tuesday – Day 10
Ten days have passed in UG’s presence. In the beginning I felt like that time had stood still. Why did we come – to do what, to see what? Now I don’t have any such questions. I woke up at 4:30 in the morning. We were up last night till 10:00 pm along with UG, till Wendy and Kiran came. They both traveled for seven hours in the car and arrived at Moorty’s place in Suite #362 Ocotillo Lodge by 9 pm. UG used to stay in Suite #367 before. Lakshmi and her family are in #354. Julie too stays in #363. Yesterday morning, we all went with UG to #362. The Germans, Stanley and Luna also came there. As usual, UG chatted for two hours. Nataraj brought his Karma Cards and did some Tarot reading again. Two days ago, when UG picked from the cards three times, all three times Venus came up. Once in the 2nd house, the second time in the 12th house and the third time it was in the 1st house. Jupiter and Sagittarius another time. Nataraj’s prediction: UG will get a lot of money after ‘killing’ a rich woman with his ‘arrow’. Or he will make her go crazy. Yesterday morning Sumedha asked, “When will the bow and arrow come, UG? When will they be ready?” Nataraj asked UG to pick from the Karma Cards again. The first one was Libra. That’s the sign of Sumedha. The second one was in the 12th place. The third was Guru. Nataraj’s verdict was that the bow and arrow should come only through Sumedha.
These are some of the amusing incidents that have occurred around UG. But we don’t know their implications at this moment. I think that the ‘bow’ and ‘arrow’ are symbols of Saturn, Budha and Guru. Their celestial powers reside in the form of regions. They say that the region of Saturn is bow-shaped and that of Budha is arrow-shaped. It sounds as if UG will collect all these powers and destroy the mind, which is close to Moon (Chandra), with one stroke. Perhaps it should be interpreted like this. I mentioned this in UG’s presence.
Nataraj’s has been sitting for a long time with his eyes closed. Simon also sits silently; and David even more so. Nataraj’s sister gave UG some more money – a hundred dollars. “Gifts will only be accepted till 11:59 pm of the 31st of this month. After that, I won’t take a penny,” says UG. UG’s chest of gifts is never full! We were about to give Lisa a small gift and showed it to UG. “You’re giving gifts to everyone; what about me?” he says. “What can we give you, UG? You give to everyone. Isn’t all this your grace?” said Suguna. He laughed. True, what gift can we give him? If he is taking money, it means those who give it are lucky. He is making some people give. Even those who are in no position to give are stuffing his hands with dollars. Simon feels his pockets sadly and says, “I don’t have any money left!”
Kiran
UG detected a great musician in Moorty’s son, Kiran. Kiran plays piano and percussion very well. UG decided to buy him a piano. He made an envelop ready with $6,000 in it and handed it to Kiran yesterday. “This is for your piano,” he said. Wendy tried to stop him. “This doesn’t concern you or Moorty. It’s between Kiran and me. Leave it to us,” UG said to Wendy. I was right next to her. I said, “It’s best not to interfere in such matters; it’s better leave things to UG.” She showed the photos of the piano.
Yesterday in the evening we went to a shopping mall called ‘Perceptions’. UG bought Aruna a microwave oven and a set of utensils in Costco – altogether it cost $125. Suguna has been planning to get them. She wanted to buy them here and send them with Aruna. Her wish has been fulfilled. Aruna bought me a pair of shoes. We went to many other shops.
Claire and Larry